What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

(Unknown)

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.

There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.

A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."

What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”

Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.

What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.

Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”

Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.

The turkey shot out of the oven

and rocketed into the air,

it knocked every plate off the table

and partly demolished a chair.

- Jack Prelutsky

It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.

It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!

Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled

- Paul Curtis

It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.

I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.

It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."

Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.

“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”

That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?

- by Jeff Kyser

What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.

It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.

What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!

What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.

What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.

Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.

An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".

There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

"Standing on a Chair"

I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!

You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.

I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.

I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!

– Steve Hanson

Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.

Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.

There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.

So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.