How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
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