Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
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