We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
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