Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.

What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"

If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.

When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.

A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.

It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.

Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.

The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.

It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.

It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."

What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.

It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.

It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.

Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.

Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)

I hate being bipolar...
It's great!

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.

It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.

There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.

My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."

Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.

Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.

What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.

What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.

Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.

- Kim Merryman

It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”

Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.

Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.

It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."

It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.

Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"

I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.

It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.

There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'

A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.