If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.

"I Know You Like Me Best"

Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.

I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.

(Barry Stebbings)

Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.

There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.

There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.

A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.

"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"

"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.

"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'

"So here I am."

Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"

Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"

Son: "They do the mash."

Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."

In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.

How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.

What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.

There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.

It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.

The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh

(Anonymous)

What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.

What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins

A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.

You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.

Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!

You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.

May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.

May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.

(Kevin Nishmas)

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.

Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!

Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!