What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
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