What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?

A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.

"Mosquito At My Ear"

Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?

– Kobayashi Issa

The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."

"I’m Going to Be Famous"

I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!

– Steve Hanson

What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?

Turkey.

When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.

Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.

"Diaper Alert"

My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.

Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!

No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.

A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.

What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!

– Running Wolves

There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin

This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.

Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.

It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.

Busy Cat

I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"

Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.

Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?

I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!

Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.

What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.

My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.

A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."

Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."

Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.

Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans

There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.

I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.

Cold turkey was the only way to do it.

On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."

It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.

What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.

My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/

You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.

(Unknown)