Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
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