Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.

There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.

There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.

As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.

Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!

(Ilene Bauer)

Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.

Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.

I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.

An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.

"Joker Grandpa"

Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.

At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.

Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.

Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”

It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.

What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.

After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”

There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...

Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.

How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.

Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.

When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"

- Gail DeBole

Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh

(Anonymous)

What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"

What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.

These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.

It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.

- Janice Canerdy

You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."

Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.

Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.

What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!

Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.

If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.

If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!

Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"

When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.

What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.

When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.

- Jim Slaughter

It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.

I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?

Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.