What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.

Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.

- Kim Merryman

It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”

Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.

Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.

It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."

It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.

Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"

I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.

It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.

There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'

A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

"My Missing Shoe"

I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?

There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.

here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.

How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.

I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)

"Room with a View"

I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.

One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.

– Stephen Swinburne

A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"

Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!

It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."

Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."

I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight

(Jan Allison)

A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.

It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.

For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!

(William Cole)

Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?

- by Jeff Kyser

Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The invisible hand does it.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!

What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.