Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!

What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.

Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”

There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.

I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!

Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.

My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.

If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.

Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.

What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.

Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you

(Anonymous)

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”

Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)

It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.

It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.

Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."

It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.

As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.

It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.

I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."

It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.

Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.

The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.

How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.

When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.

Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.

Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.

There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.

He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"

I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?

Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.

The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.

Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"