What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.

What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing

Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.

My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”

At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.

"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."

My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.

Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.

Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.

(Shel Silverstein)

What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."

Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."

And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."

(Martin Gardner)

A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.

It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

(Unknown)

A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

"Diaper Alert"

My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.

Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!

No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.

A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.

What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!

– Running Wolves

What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.

It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.

I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.

There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.

My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?