Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.

Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?

Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.

I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...

Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.

Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.

An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.

The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."

I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)

Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.

There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.

I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!

"Bee and Bee"

The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower

As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.

– Patrick Winstanley

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks

A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"

It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.

My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.

There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.

Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!

Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.

(Jeffrey Krise)

It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.

Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.

It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.

What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.

Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.

It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.

I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.

He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.

I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.

His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...

I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.

(By Christian M. Mitewu)

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.

How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.

I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.