Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.

Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?

A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.

Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.

I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.

How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?

Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.

Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.

- Kim Merryman

How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.

There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.

I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.

How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.

Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.

A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.

If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.

Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."

Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."

Me: "But you said I had 3!"

Genie: "Sue me."

There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.

A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes

What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.

Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.

"Aerodynamic Mishap"

I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!

I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.

But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!

My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!

– Gareth Lancaster

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.

Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.

Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.

(E.B White)

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.

What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.

Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.

A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking

I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"

"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"

"No it's because you're drinking my beer."

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.

Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?

When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.

- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.

What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana

Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.

Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.

A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."

It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.

What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.

Dear Dog

You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose