Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
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