Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.

Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.

It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.

What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?

They turn into blueberries.

Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.

"Month of May"

For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.

For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.

Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.

Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.

Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

(Unknown)

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

"Unsatisfied Yearning"

Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,

In order to get out.

Once in the glittering starlight.

He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.

In order to get in.

– R.K. Munkittrick

How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!

My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.

I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?

At Pranksgiving.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.

There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.

Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.

Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.

Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!

Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.

I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.

It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.

My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.

In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."

Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.