Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president

It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.

"My Handprints"

My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.

It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.

A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.

(Anthony Gallagher)

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”

When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.

The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!

Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.

This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.

The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.

This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.

It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.

(Kevin Nishmas)

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."

Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."

Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?

Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"

Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.

It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.

Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.

A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.

Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.

What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.

I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg

The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.

It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.

Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.

It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.

It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”