Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"

When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!

(Santhini Govindan)

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!

You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.

When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.

- Jim Slaughter

I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.

Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.

Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.

(Shel Silverstein)

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”

There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.

What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.

What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.

"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"

Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.

She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.

One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.

So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.

I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.

A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.

"I Can Rise And Shine"

I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!

A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”

We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”

“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”

What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"

If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.

How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.

"Grandpa’s Nose"

Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born

I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.

– Judy Valko

My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.

Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.

I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.

"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"

I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!

– Emily Dickinson

I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.

It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.

I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.

(Martin Dejnicki)

Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"

A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.

"It was me, you have a problem with that?"

"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."

Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.

(Judith Viorst)

Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."

Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."

Me: "But you said I had 3!"

Genie: "Sue me."

It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.

There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.

There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.

Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."

Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?

- by Jeff Kyser

What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.