It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
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