I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!

It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!

Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.

- Kim Merryman

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.

For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.

If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.

What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.

What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.

There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.

I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.

They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.

And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.

All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.

To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.

So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!

(By Pamela J. Langdon)

How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!

Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

"My Eyes"

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!

I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!

Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?

(Laura Loo)

It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel

A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.

(Unknown)

My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."

"And that?"

"Kitchen gun."

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.

Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.

It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.

I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.

"Dust"

The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!

– P. A. Ropess

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!

Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.

How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.

A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."

Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?

What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.

Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.

It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.