Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
Go to BabaMail
