Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.

(Ogden Nash)

I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.

There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'

What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.

My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”

A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.

Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

"Sweet Tooth Andy"

Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.

– Denise Rodgers

There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.

A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.

What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.

What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.

Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.

What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.

If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.

What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.

Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.

What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.

There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.

A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.

A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”

“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.

“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”

The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.

A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.

What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.

Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!

(Abby Jenkins)

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.

Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.

My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.