It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
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