Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
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