Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.

It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.

What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.

What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.

Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.

Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.

Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.

What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.

What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.

After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.

You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.

(Unknown)

It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.

Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.

I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.

Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.

Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.

Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!


Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly

(Jan Allison)

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.

At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!

I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.

There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.

A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”

"Don’t Be Silly"

Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.

– Dave Moran

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.

There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.

Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected

Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.

On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."

Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.

Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.

Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.

I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper