A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!
(by Robert Z)
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
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