For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."

Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.

I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!

There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.

What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?

They turn into blueberries.

What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.

There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.

There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.

What is sticky and brown? A stick!

Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.

There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.

"Snowball"

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.

– Shel Silverstein

"Crabby"

I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.

If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.

– Barbara Vance

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.

My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.

Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.

My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.

What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.

How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.

A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...

There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.

What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.

There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?

It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.

Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"

Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.

How did the Pilgrims die?

It was the Pil-grim Reaper.

Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)

(Laura E. Richards)

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!

There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!

That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!

A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users