Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
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