Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.

There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.

What’s black, white and red?

A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.

Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.

If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."

How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.

There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.

What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.

That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted

Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.

After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.

I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.

What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?

Turkey in suspense.

What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!

Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?

There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.

My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.

As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.

Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.

There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.

It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.

A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.

Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.

There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.

"Dog and Pony Show"

Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!

– Denise Rodgers

Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?

I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.

Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!

I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.

Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.

The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.

"Front Row"

My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.

– Denise Rodgers

April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.