Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!

Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."

Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."

Me: "But you said I had 3!"

Genie: "Sue me."

What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.

(Julie Hebert)

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

"My Handprints"

My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.

What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.

My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.

Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.

Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?

What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.

It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.

It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.

There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.

You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.

"Bed in Summer"

In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.

I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.

And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?

– Robert Louis Stevenson

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"

The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!

GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.

BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.

GF - April fools day!

BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.

Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."

Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.

(Unknown)

I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.