Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.

(Theodore Higgingsworth)

I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.

A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”

Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”

God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.

A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.

It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.

Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you

(Anonymous)

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?

Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.

Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.

It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.

There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.

What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.

Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.

I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."

Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.

If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...

A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”

“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.

“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'

Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.

That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.

(Unknown)

Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.

I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.

A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.

Knock knock.
Come in.

How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?

Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!

"Standing on a Chair"

I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!

You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.

I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.

I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!

– Steve Hanson

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”

They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.