There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far

Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.

- Kim Merryman

Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.

When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.

I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!

If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.

Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.

Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.

I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.

There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'

Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.

Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.

Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.

A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’

Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".

The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.

- Randy Johnson

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.

There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”

“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.

“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”

"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"

I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!

– Emily Dickinson

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.

What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?

He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.

(Barry Stebbings)

You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.

I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.

What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.

We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.