Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.

There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training

What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.

A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."

How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.

Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.

Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."

I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.

Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)

What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.

Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.

My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.

What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.

What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"

And optimist says "sure they can!"

It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.

What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.

What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

"Mosquito At My Ear"

Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?

– Kobayashi Issa

What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!

For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.

What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.

Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”

There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.

If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.

What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.