Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
Go to BabaMail
