There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
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