A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.

You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.

"Nobel Prize for Mothers"

Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.

Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!

And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!

You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!

I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"

Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”

There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.

How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.

What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.

Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!

It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.

Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.

Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.

If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75

Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!

Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!

My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The invisible hand does it.

A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.

You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?

Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.

Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

"Unsatisfied Yearning"

Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,

In order to get out.

Once in the glittering starlight.

He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.

In order to get in.

– R.K. Munkittrick

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.

Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.

- Kim Merryman

What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.

Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.

(Unknown)

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"

There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.

My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.

He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!

- Denise Rodgers

What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.

How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?

Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.

I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.