A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.

Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?

(Justin Worthy)

What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"

There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.

– Michael Wise

I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!

That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!

People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.

What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.

Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!

(Abby Jenkins)

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.

What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.

I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!

I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.

But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.

So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!

(Catherine Pulsifer)

If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.

Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.

Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.

- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.

(Jeffrey Krise)

How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.

How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.

What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.

It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.

Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.

What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death

Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up

And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear

Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!

Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!

(By Rick W. Cotton)

The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!

(Samatha C. Ringle)

My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.

What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.

A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.

One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?

Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.