The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Go to BabaMail
