Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

(Unknown)

There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.

Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.

Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.

"The Fly"

God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.

– Ogden Nash

How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male

The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."

Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?

How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.

Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.

There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'

It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.

It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.

"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"

Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?

“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.

I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.

– Denise Rodgers

How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!

(Unknown)

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

"99 Dogs"

I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”

I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.

There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.

What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.

It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.

Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.

Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.

Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.

I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.

(Gelett Burgess)

Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.

What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.

Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.