Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.

Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.

It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.

It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.

Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh

(Anonymous)

What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation

What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.

Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!

Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.

Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.

A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"

Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)

I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?

Turkey.

What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death

Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up

And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear

Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!

Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!

(By Rick W. Cotton)

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.

(Kevin Nishmas)

My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.

Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.

Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."

Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.

Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.

As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.

Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.

I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane

(Anonymous)

I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.

The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.

(Jeffrey Krise)

There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.

What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.

What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.

It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.

My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.

There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.

I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

"Granny"

Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)

All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)

It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!

– Spike Milligan

A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman