What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
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