I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
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