Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
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