I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
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