"My Cat Is Fat"

I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.

Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.

So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.

– James McDonald

A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?

Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.

There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.

A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.

A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.

Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.

If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."

"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?

There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.

Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."

It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.

Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.

I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool

It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.

There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.

It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.

(Martin Dejnicki)

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!

"My Dog"

My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.

His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.

He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.

I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!

– Steve Hanson

Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.

When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.

It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.

What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."

What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.

What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?

Good restaurant reservations.

Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.

Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.

What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.

(Martin Dejnicki)

I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.

He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.

I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.

His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...

I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.

(By Christian M. Mitewu)

Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!

What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...

A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”