What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
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