There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
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