My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
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