There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
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