What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation

What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.

You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?

You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.

How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.

In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.

If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.

My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"

I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.

– Judith Viorst

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.

Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.

"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"

When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.

I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.

Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.

Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.

What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”

I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.

It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.

It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!

A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.

How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.

What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.

My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!

It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.

There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.

It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.