It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.

Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.

An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.

Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"

Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”

We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”

“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”

Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”

It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.

There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.

Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!

Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”

Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.

It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.

(Anthony Gallagher)

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.

There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.

The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.

Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans

Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.

Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.

The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.

But they did get a tan. A puritan.

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.

(Barry Stebbings)

Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"

It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.

I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."

Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.

A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

"The Fly"

God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.

– Ogden Nash