Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
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