I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
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