Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.

There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.

How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.

What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?

Turkey in suspense.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

(Unknown)

A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"

If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.

– Shel Silverstein

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"

And optimist says "sure they can!"

Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!

I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.

Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key

How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?

The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.

Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.

Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.

Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.

What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?

Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.

Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.

What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.

One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.

Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.

The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.

I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.

What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.

I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled

- Paul Curtis

When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.

A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.

The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!

(Samatha C. Ringle)

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.