What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
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