A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
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