Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.

Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.

A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.

It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!

I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.

Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.

I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."

I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.

There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?

Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?

I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.

She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!

Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.

Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.

(Anonymous)

There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.

It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.

My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.

I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.

But they did get a tan. A puritan.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright

What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!

At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."

Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.

Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

(Unknown)

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.

Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.

An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled

- Paul Curtis

When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.

There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.

What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.