Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
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