What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.

It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.

It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.

"Room with a View"

I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.

One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.

– Stephen Swinburne

My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.

Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.

Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.

What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!

What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.

How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.

I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...

There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'

What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing

Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.

(Ogden Nash)

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!

What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

"I Have a Little Frog"

I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.

How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.

Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.

My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.

Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.

Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.

Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.

How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.

What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.

A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.

What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.