I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
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