When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
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