What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
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