What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
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