I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.

"Simple Truths About Family"

Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.

Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.

Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.

Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.

Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.

– Kelly Roper

Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.

Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"

Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.

Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.

It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.

A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.

In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.

If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.

What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.

Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.

Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”

There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.

"Exclamation!"

I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!

They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!

It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!

Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!

As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?

(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)

– Fiona Halliday

It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.

How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.

What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.

I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.

It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.

"My Cat Is Fat"

I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.

Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.

So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.

– James McDonald

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."

Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.