Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
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