There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.

Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.

It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.

The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.

- Randy Johnson

I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.

Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.

I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.

(Unknown)

Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.

The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.

Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.

What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.

It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.

It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.

"Grandparents' Advice"

Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!

– Mary R. Hurley

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you

What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

"The Legs Are Last To Go"

Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know

“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”

She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show

The legs are last to go

The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go

Her legs were last to go.


– Mike Gentile

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.

We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!

- Denise Rodgers

Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?

Answer: Peach gobbler!

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.

The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.

What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!

How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.

"Who’s In?"

“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”

– Elizabeth Fleming

There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.

There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.

What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death

Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up

And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear

Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!

Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!

(By Rick W. Cotton)

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.

Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."

Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.

(E.B White)

It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.