Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.

What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.

If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.

Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!

- Sarah Ziman

My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"

What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.

I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat

(Colleen Laforme)

What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.

"Grandpa’s Nose"

Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born

I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.

– Judy Valko

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.

What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.

Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.

Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'

An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"

Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.

Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.

It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.

What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.

It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.

It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.

The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.

Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener

I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!

(Rob Carmack)

I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.

Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.

My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)

It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.

Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.