"Month of May"

For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.

For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.

Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.

I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.

(E.B White)

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.

Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.

This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.

My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.

I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”

Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.

One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.

What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.

How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing

My mother loves butter more than I do,

more than anyone. She pulls chunks off

the stick and eats it plain, explaining

cream spun around into butter!

- Elizabeth Alexander

An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.

What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe

It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.

There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"

Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.

What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.

Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.

Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.

It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.

A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.

He lived to the ripe old age of 96.

He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.

The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?