Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.

Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.

(Judith Viorst)

There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.

A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The invisible hand does it.

How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.

I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."

Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.

It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.

I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”

Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”

Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.

There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.

There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.

As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.

Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!

(Ilene Bauer)

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."

"Granny"

Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)

All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)

It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!

– Spike Milligan

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.

I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.

A Poem by a Cat

I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.

Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.

It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

First you got an alligator.

Next came a giraffe.

Lions ride your elevator,

bears hide in your bath.

Bunnies,

chimps,

(a duck?),

raccoons.....

run amok through all your rooms!

Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!

(Lycia Harding)

"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"

There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.

– Michael Wise

Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.

What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?

Ask a friend to toss one at you.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"

If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.

– Shel Silverstein

Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”

Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?

Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”

(Rhona McFerran)

Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.

What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.

Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.

Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.

Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.

There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.

Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.

Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.

Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.

Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.

(M. Tarun Prasad)

A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.