Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.

Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?

There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.

The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.

They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!

There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.

It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.

Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."

As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.

The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.

Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.

Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!

A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.

(Anthony Gallagher)

Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.

When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...

I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!

It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.

Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.

Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?

I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me

A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?

Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.

I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.

I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled

- Paul Curtis

Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"

Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.

I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.

Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.