Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!

What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?

If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.

What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.

Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”

A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”

“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”

There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

"Grandparent Rap"

It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."

So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!

Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.

Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.

Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.

What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.

An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.

After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.

The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.

"The Fly"

God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.

– Ogden Nash

Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.

A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?

- Jim Slaughter

There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president

"I’m Going to Be Famous"

I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!

– Steve Hanson

I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool

There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.

A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"

Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.

Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

(Unknown)

What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow

Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”

Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.

What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."

This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition

I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.

Cold turkey was the only way to do it.

What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?

Have it killed and then cran-bury it.

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."