If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
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