It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.

My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.

Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.

Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"

Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far

Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.

I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.

Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.

Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

"The Fly"

God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.

– Ogden Nash

How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.

An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.

Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.

Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!

How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.

Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.

I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.

There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.

Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night

From hells realm
Making me take flight

I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer

And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser

Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits

They were no defence
Against evil spirits

- Paul Curtis

What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.

How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.

Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.

What is sticky and brown? A stick!

It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.

(Martin Dejnicki)

If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.

Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected

It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back

How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.

There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.

Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.

What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!

All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!

Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!

Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.

The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.