A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”

"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.

If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.

(By Steve Mckee)

"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"

When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.

No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.

We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.

She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.

– Kenn Nesbitt

How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.

There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!

For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.

There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.

Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.

R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.

Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.

They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.

Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.

He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .

That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.

- Diane Lefebvre

What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.

(Kevin Nishmas)

Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.

Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.

It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.

It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...

You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.

If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.

I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat

(Colleen Laforme)

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.

You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.

(Unknown)

You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?

It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.

What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"

What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!