My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
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