"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
(Amos Russel Wells)
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.