What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.

Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.

"Fun"

I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.

– Leroy F. Jackson

A physics teacher writes a question on a board:

"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"

A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:

"In a foster home."

Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."

Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.

Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?

It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."

What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?

Turkey.

It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.

Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.

Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.

“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”

Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.

It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.

"Bee"

A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.

¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!

– Denise Rodgers

Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm

(Anonymous)

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you

Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.

Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.

What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”

It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.

My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!

Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.

Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."

We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.

Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.

I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.

(Anonymous)

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.

Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.

How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male

Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”

Dear Dog

You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose

How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.

There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.

My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.

How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.

I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.

(Unknown)

Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you

(Anonymous)

It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.

Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.