If trees could kill you, they wood.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
The Special Golf Ball
The Special Golf Ball Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one." Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it." "Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?" The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem." Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?" "No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark." Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" The other guy replies, "I found it."
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
The Chainsaw and the Troublesome Customer
The Chainsaw and the Troublesome Customer A guy enters a Home depot and tells one of the employees that he wants to buy an electric saw to cut down trees. The employee says "I got just what you need! Look at this beauty, it can cut down 100 trees a day!" The guy likes it, buys it and goes home. The next week the same guy comes back to Home Depot with an angry face and tells the employee "This electric saw is terrible! I could only cut down 50 trees a day!". The employee answers "I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Look, we got an even better option: this new electric saw that can cut 200 trees a day!" The man's face lights up, he returns the old electric saw and buys the new one. One week after he comes back with an even angrier face and demands the employee: "You told me I could cut down 200 trees with this saw, but I can only cut down 100! I want my money back!". The employee apologizes: "I am truly sorry to hear that. Look, we just got this brand new, state-of-the-art electric saw that can cut 400 trees a day!". Again, the guy returns the old saw and happily buys the new one. One week passes and the guy storms into Home Depot. He yells "I am fed up! No matter what I did, I could only cut down 200 trees a day!" The employee says "ok sir, let me have a look at the saw". So the employee takes the saw, and cranks it up. The sound of the motor can be heard throughout the whole shop. The guy looks at the employee with disbelief and asks "What the hell is that sound?!?"