The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"