99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
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