A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
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