Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
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