According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
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