The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
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