A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
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