A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
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