There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
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