What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Go to BabaMail
