There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Go to BabaMail
