The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Go to BabaMail
