Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
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