A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
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