What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"