Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
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