What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
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