Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.