Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.