Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.