Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.