A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”