I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
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