Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
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