Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
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