A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
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