What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
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