Police Jokes

Jokes that either involve police officers or are about the police or dealing with the police.

The Cop and the Supportive Wife
The Cop and the Supportive Wife John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away." Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed." So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired." And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired." Well by this time, John was a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!!" The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?" "Not always," answers Jessica, "only when he's drunk!"
Officer, Why Did It Have to Be Me?
Officer, Why Did It Have to Be Me? A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was promptly greeted by the wail of a siren and flashing lights. Cursing his luck, the man immediately knew what was coming, so he slowed down and pulled over. The officer got out of his cruiser, as calm as can be, and walked over to the man's car. He handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *only I* get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
The KGB Way
The KGB Way An archeology team was having trouble determining the age of human remains that they found deep in a cave, so they called in the best forensics teams from the CIA, MI6 and KGB. The MI6 team goes in first with all their equipment and comes out about 4 hours later. "As far as we can determine, the remains are about 600,000 years old." Not to be outdone by the MI6, the CIA goes in and comes out about 8 hours later. "The remains are approximately 615,550 years old. This is what we have been able to determine with our superior forensics technology." Before the CIA is even done giving their report, the 2 man KGB team is already making their way towards the cave with nothing but a gym bag one of them is holding. They enter the cave and make their way towards the remains. Soon after, sounds of shouting, swearing and banging start coming out of the cave and they don't let up for 2 whole days. When the KGB forensics team finally leaves the cave, they are dirty and disheveled, their clothes ripped and their tools are damaged. "So, the remains are 623,118 years, 3 months, 2 weeks and 6 days old." Amazed and dumbfounded, the archeologists and other forensics teams ask how they could possible determine the age of the remains to such an exact date. The KGB agents look knowingly at each other and one of them says: "He confessed."
How To Avoid the Breathalyzer
How To Avoid the Breathalyzer A guy gets pulled over by the police, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, the guy says. “I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim replies, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Okay,” the cop answers. “Then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim. “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “I can’t do that either,” responds Jim. “Why not?” asks the cop. “Because I'm completely drunk! I could go to jail!"
The Farmer, the Mule and the Rifle
The Farmer, the Mule and the Rifle A farmer named Rick had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Rick. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer? Rick responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Rick said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Rick's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Rick thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now, what the heck would YOU say?"
Grounds for Divorce
Grounds for Divorce A Polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasn't very good, they got along very well. One day he rushes into a lawyer's office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions: "Have you any grounds?" "Yes, an acre and half and nice little home." "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It made of concrete." "I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?" "No, we have carport, and not need one." "I mean what are your relations like?" All my relations still in Poland. "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player." "Does your wife beat you up?" "No, I always up before her." "Why do you want this divorce?" "She going to kill me." "What makes you think that??" "I got proof." "What kind of proof?" "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say: POLISH REMOVER."
The Pet Fish
The Pet Fish A man decides he wants to fish. Unfortunately, his favorite spot became illegal to fish in. Undeterred, he fishes for 2 hours, and at this point, he already has a bucket full of fish and he’s still fishing.  Out of nowhere a cop comes in and tells him: "You know you can’t fish here, right? It’s illegal, I’m gonna have to arrest you.” The man hides the pole and replies: “Oh no no those are my pet fish. I just come here every week or so drop them in the pond, and once they are done swimming they jump back in and I go home.” At this point the officer smirks, he knows he’s lying, so he says: "Well then show me, if you can truly show me that they will do that then I’ll let you go.” The man agrees and dumps the fish into the pond, A few minutes pass... “So when are the fish jumping back in the bucket?” Asks the officer smugly. “What fish?" says the man.
The Drunk Driver and the Police Officer
The Drunk Driver and the Police Officer Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," declared the man with pride. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
No Way to Put Five In a Quattro
No Way to Put Five In a Quattro Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four." "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Scotsmen retort in disbelief. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons." "You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law." The Scotsmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
This Old Lady Adheres to Road Signs
This Old Lady Adheres to Road Signs Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
The Right Equipment
The Right Equipment A newlywed fisherman's wife sees her husband sleeping on the couch. Bored, she decides to take the boat on a ride around the lake. She goes forward a bit, then drops the anchor and reads a book in peace. A short while later, an officer of the coast guard appears and stops beside her. "Good morning, ma'am, what are you doing?" "I'm reading a book." Answered the surprised woman. "Couldn't he see that?" She thought... "I'm afraid this is a no fishing area." The officer notified her. "I'm sorry officer but I'm not fishing, I'm clearly reading." "Yes but you can start at any second, you have all the right equipment. I'm going to have to take you to the station and fill out a complaint." "OK, but if you do that I will have to give my own complaint about you sexually assaulting me!" "But.." splattered the surprised officer, "I never touched you!" "Yes that's true," replied the woman, "but you can start at any second, you have all the equipment..."
Break it Up, People!
Break it Up, People! A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, 'Let's get off the corner.' No-one moved, so he resorted to the loudspeaker. 'Let's get off the corner!' it boomed. Still, no-one seemed to take any notice. 'Alright folks, if you don't move after I count to three, I'm breaking out my baton!' the rookie cried. Intimidated, the group of people began to leave in a hurry, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, 'Well, how did I do?' 'Pretty good,' replied the veteran, 'especially since this is a bus stop.'
The Wife Was Right
The Wife Was Right As Chester left a board meeting at shul, he desperately gave himself a personal TSA pat down. He was looking for his keys. They were not in his pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly he realized that he must have left them in the car. Frantically, he headed for the parking lot. Chester’s wife, Sally, had scolded him many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. Chester’s theory is that the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Sally’s theory is that the car will be stolen. As Chester burst through the doors of the shul, he came to a terrifying conclusion: Sally’s theory was right. The parking lot was empty. He immediately called the police. He gave them his location, confessing that he had left the keys in the car and that it had been stolen. Then Chester made the most difficult call of all. "Honey," he stammered. He always calls her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." There was a period of silence. Chester thought the call had been dropped, but then he heard Sally’s voice. "Chester!" she barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was his time to be silent. Embarrassed, he said, "Well, come and get me." Sally retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop to take off the handcuffs!"
A Surprising Ability
A Surprising Ability The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?" The man replied, "I'm an IRS agent."
An Irishman Gets Pulled Over
An Irishman Gets Pulled Over An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening". "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
The Old Lady and the Money Bags
The Old Lady and the Money Bags A police officer is walking his beat when he catches with his eye a trail of $50 notes leading into an alley. Curious, he immediately goes in and finds an old woman with two bags of trash dragging on the ground, one of them leaving $50 notes in its wake. He calls the woman to halt and approaches her. "Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole". He points out. The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks: "Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?" "Well, you see Mr.Officer," the old lady explains, "I have a lovely house at the end of the street and it just so happens to be right next to a very famous bar. I don't mind the noise but every night there are always some drunkards that piss all over my garden." She said, her voice shaking with indignation. "So, yesterday night I stood there with my pruning shears and whenever someone got their thingy out I'd say: '$50 bucks or I'll cut it off!'" Laughing at the amusing idea of those scared drunkards handing their money, the Police Officer lets her go about her way. But as she turns to go he jokingly asks: "Is the second bag filled with money too?" "Well, you know Mr. Officer, not everyone pays."
Blond On Blond Crime
Blond On Blond Crime A blond was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blond and she asked for the blond's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blond policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated, the blond cop said, "You dummy, it's got your photo on it!" The blond driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license!" and handed it to the blond policewoman. The blond cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. Also, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
Detectives in Training
Detectives in Training A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
A Sudden Confession
A Sudden Confession A woman driver is speeding along the highway, when suddenly she gets stopped by a police car which instructs her to pull over. Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?" Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding." Woman: "Oh, I see." Officer: "Can I see your license please?" Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." Officer: "Don't have one?" Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drunk driving." Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please." Woman: "I can't do that." Officer: "Why not?" Woman: "I stole this car." Officer: "Stole it?" Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner." Officer: "You what?" Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see." The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Sargent: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: "Is there a problem sir?" Sargent: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." Woman: "Murdered the owner?" Sargent: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please." The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Sargent: "Is this your car, ma'am?" Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers." The first officer is stunned. Sargent: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license." The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Sargent: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner." Woman: "I bet the bastard will say I was speeding too."
Blondes Put to the Test
Blondes Put to the Test A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds, then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers: "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE. Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated by this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it - it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"
I Had to Take Matters Into My Own Hands
I Had to Take Matters Into My Own Hands A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said: "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well, you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!" Within seconds there were three police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!" The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"
The Light Runner and The Cop
The Light Runner and The Cop The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him, and I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.''
Why the LAPD is Special
Why the LAPD is Special The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
The Kid, Doorbell and the Cop
The Kid, Doorbell and the Cop A policeman is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the policeman moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the policeman smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" "Now we run!"
Two Hookers & a Police Officer
Two Hookers & a Police Officer Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00." A policeman seeing the sign stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign Or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different; the officer smiled "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50.00."
A Tiny Witness
A Tiny Witness A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked." "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving." motioned the monkey.
Facebook in Real Life
Facebook in Real Life I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I had done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does everyday. I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them. And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me: Two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.
Running Away From a Cop.
Running Away From a Cop. A man in his mid-forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says: “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.” “Have a nice weekend,” said the officer, and walked away.
You're a WHAT?
You're a WHAT? A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car with a patronizing smirk and asked, 'What's your hurry?' She replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah?' said the cop, already starting to write up the report. 'What do you do?' 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded. The cop stopped. Then lifted his head: 'A WHAT? 'A Rectum Stretcher!' ''Are you playing games with me? ' 'Not at all, officer." said the woman seriously. 'I take pride in my work.' 'And just what does a.. a rectum stretcher do?' The officer asked. 'Look,' she sighs, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet.' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.'
A Blond Calls 911
A Blond Calls 911 A blond dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries. The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes." Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blond is on the line again. "Never mind," giggles the blond, "I got in the back seat by mistake."