What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.

- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”

Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.

Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.

What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!