What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
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