What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.

What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.

Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!