What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
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