Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.

How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!

What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.