What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”