How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
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