What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
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