A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
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