What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
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