The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
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