Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
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