What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
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