What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
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