What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
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