Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
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