I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.