A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
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