A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
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