Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
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