What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
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