My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
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