There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.

There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Damn.

Let me kiss you.

(Unknown)

Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!

There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.

A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.

What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.

I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.

(John Williams)

here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.

There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.

"Aerodynamic Mishap"

I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!

I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.

But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!

My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!

– Gareth Lancaster

Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.

Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.

(Ray Gridley)

There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.

My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.

"Exclamation!"

I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!

They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!

It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!

Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!

As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?

(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)

– Fiona Halliday

Busy Cat

I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming

There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.

Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.

There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.

"Crabby"

I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.

If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.

– Barbara Vance

"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"

Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?

“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.

I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.

– Denise Rodgers

There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.

There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.

Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!

I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight

(Jan Allison)

A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.

Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.

(Anonymous)

"Mosquito At My Ear"

Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?

– Kobayashi Issa

There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.

A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.

(Anonymous)

"The Porcupine"

Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.

– Ogden Nash

When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.

"Don’t Be Silly"

Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.

– Dave Moran

Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make

Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.

Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.

Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.

(Joanna Davis)

There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'

"Granddad's Got Hair"

Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.

Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."

– Graham Craven

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.