I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
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