Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.