"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
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