There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
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