I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Go to BabaMail
