This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
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