How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
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