After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
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