My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
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