The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
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