What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.