Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
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