I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
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