On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.