Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Go to BabaMail
