What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
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