I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.