I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
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