Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.